Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Road to Linear Distraction..............

It has been a tough couple of weeks since my last post. The physical challenges of daily activities are beginning to wear thin the veneer of courage that I once thought I'd wear to my grave. One day last week, while trying to get out of bed for work, the well of emotion that lay buried beneath months of conscious suppression burst forth in violent sobs of self-pity and fear. I had not allowed my self to go to those depths of despair. For a time I was sure that I had waited too long in preparing for my personal "end times."

I called work to let them know that I would work from home and the only voice that I could muster was weak, timid, breathless, and shaking.

I climbed back in bed and began to rebuild the walls behind which I would place the fear, the doubts, and the debilitating self pity. Once broken, the walls don't seem as strong as they once were. Or perhaps, the things they hold back are growing in strength.


Just as my "unrehearsed movements" have become nearly impossible with my right hand/arm, my speech has lost its natural fluidity and color. I recently saw a video of a TV commercial I had done a number of years ago. The stark difference between the strength and confidence that I heard in that video and the shallow, meek voice I hear now tells volumes about what is going on inside me.


I have something weird going on. Random memories appear suddenly. Not a meaningful memory brought forward by a smell or a song, but a random snippet of a meaningless but remembered moment in time. At first a curiosity, now I fear it may be a symptom.

I still seem have all my faculties but linear thought can be difficult when a sudden image of a distant moment in time leaps to the front. The image doesn't leave as quickly as it appears primarily because I'm then curious why I even have a recollection of a trivial event 30 years earlier. The end result is distraction.