Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Don't get me started......

We had a really nice trip to Phoenix and beautiful drive to San Diego where we spent some quality time with my brother and sister and their families. Some of them I'll probably never see again. At least not on this plane of existence.

The trip exposed some of my worsening frailties. It was the first time I felt dependent on my wife (Superwoman) for so many common tasks. She is great at anticipating my needs and I REALLY hate asking for help with personal issues and would rather struggle through something like trimming my toenails than be exposed to the humiliation. We have many bridges to cross.

While I continue to work, I have set dates for retirement. My job performance is suffering and while I only know how to do things the right way, it is hard to be highly motivated. That's tough when, as the General Manager, I am the primary motivator to 130+ employees.

Social Security will not allow anyone to apply for disability until after the last day of work. It makes sense on some levels but ironically, I would probably try to work longer if I could set a date and get approved in anticipation of the inevitable.


I was listening to a radio discussion about a bill to abolish the death penalty in Connecticut. I found it ironic that states spend millions of dollars in court to defend state sponsored capital punishment yet outlaw voluntary euthanasia. Don't get me started.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Good Ol' Days....

A few of my readers are either CBGD patients (I'm told "victims" is not politically correct) or caregivers. While my blog posts may give you an idea of my state of mind, I think it important to occasionally convey my physical condition. That being said, prepare to be bored.

I posted a Symptom Time-line back in November, 2008. At that time, the symptoms that concerned me most were the loss of fine motor skills (particularly the ability to write) and minor hand and leg tremors. Boy, those were the days!

Since then I have progressively lost strength and coordination in my right hand and arm. So much so that performing any task requiring two hands is difficult and frustrating. Frustration and stress exacerbates my most painful symptom, the near constant tension in my upper right leg. Specifically my hamstring, quadriceps, and gluteus (butt cheek). In normal use these muscles either flex or relax to perform tasks. Mine are in a near constant state of war with each other. Only sleep or a conscious command to relax bring a bit of relief.

Even when I can momentarily get the muscles to relax, they feel as they do after a terrible cramp. Then, as soon as I return my thoughts to life the battle begins anew.

As a natural right-hander, I find using my left hand for some tasks difficult. It is like trying cut your own hair while looking in a mirror.

As my condition worsens my movements have become slow and halting requiring deliberate thought.

Eating with a fork is challenging and humiliating and as I struggle to balance the food on a trembling fork, slowing inching it to my open mouth, the war in my leg ratchets up. I still enjoy good food, I just don't enjoy the act of trying to get it to my mouth. The good news is that I'm dropping some pounds.

While I have yet to have a doctor confirm it, I perceive a jerkiness in my eye movement. It isn't a huge thing now but makes me feel vulnerable when driving in traffic, eyes darting from mirrors to roadway. Yes, I'm still driving, but plan to quit BEFORE the big accident. :)

All in all I try to keep up a brave front. Even though I know that I will eventually look back on these as the Good Ol' Days.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm STILL here.......

It finally dawned on my over-worked (lazy) brain (ass) that it was rather thoughtless of me to post about suicide and then quit posting for a few weeks. Sorry! I'm still here. Er, I'm not sorry I'm still kickin'. I am sorry if any of my (two) readers started their mourning too soon.

Actually, though physically I am a wreck, I have something to look forward to. Superwoman and I are flying out to San Diego for a few days of rest.

I promise to post before we leave in mid-March.