I called work to let them know that I would work from home and the only voice that I could muster was weak, timid, breathless, and shaking.
I climbed back in bed and began to rebuild the walls behind which I would place the fear, the doubts, and the debilitating self pity. Once broken, the walls don't seem as strong as they once were. Or perhaps, the things they hold back are growing in strength.
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Just as my "unrehearsed movements" have become nearly impossible with my right hand/arm, my speech has lost its natural fluidity and color. I recently saw a video of a TV commercial I had done a number of years ago. The stark difference between the strength and confidence that I heard in that video and the shallow, meek voice I hear now tells volumes about what is going on inside me.
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I have something weird going on. Random memories appear suddenly. Not a meaningful memory brought forward by a smell or a song, but a random snippet of a meaningless but remembered moment in time. At first a curiosity, now I fear it may be a symptom.
I still seem have all my faculties but linear thought can be difficult when a sudden image of a distant moment in time leaps to the front. The image doesn't leave as quickly as it appears primarily because I'm then curious why I even have a recollection of a trivial event 30 years earlier. The end result is distraction.
I still seem have all my faculties but linear thought can be difficult when a sudden image of a distant moment in time leaps to the front. The image doesn't leave as quickly as it appears primarily because I'm then curious why I even have a recollection of a trivial event 30 years earlier. The end result is distraction.
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What a sad post! :( I'm sooooo sorry you're having to endure such torture! I don't even know what to say... as I'm sure everyone around you feels the same way!
ReplyDeleteI do know it's OK to cry! My Daddy once told me "If your eyes don't leak, your head will swell!" The lesson he was teaching me was about pride and arrogance... but I think it applies... just about ANYTIME! My Daddy was a very wise man! I think you are too, CW! :)
Hang in there!
i am sad for you.please look for research that may help,there must be something.i wish i could see and hear you.i hope your mood is not so sad now.there are so many questions i want to ask you.where to start.take care and take heart
ReplyDeleteOh Bob, it made me so sad reading your post, my heart does ache for you and Kel. This cruel heartless disease makes me so angry. i went to talk to a priest last wednesday and told him how angry i was at God, and he told me it was ok to be angry, God can handle it. Life is becoming more difficult isn't it. I see Kel struggling more and more with eating, with comprehending, and tonight for the first time ever, i clipped his toenails as he was unable to . Yes his fluidity with his speech has definetly been affected, he forgets so many words, he has become much more quiet. I am thinking of you and Gail, and keep you in my daily prayers. have a good Easter Bob. Karla
ReplyDeleteYou know, I didn't feel sad or sorry reading the post most likely because your tone is so Matter-Of-Fact. Not a bit sentimental.
ReplyDeleteThe reality of the disease sucks for sure - but I was surprised to hear you did commercials.
Plus, you seem to have a handle on the "wall" idea. Having dealt with similar emotions a time or two, albeit for different reasons, I think you're right about how sometimes the stuff the wall hides, protects and contains just get so strong it spills over. I get the feeling you're kind of like that Dutch boy with his finger in the dike as opposed to a levee breaking.
If you really feel the need for a crying jag, though, try this song. It gets me every time
Here Comes the Flood