Thursday, September 24, 2009

Lack of purpose....

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with a profound sense of melancholy.

My life has been filled with opportunities to lead people, to make a difference in the lives of others. Most of the time I took the bull by the proverbial horns. I have raised good children, and mentored young men in their professional careers and in competitive sports. Often it took no large effort on my part. Just a word of encouragement or a pat on the butt. I actually enjoyed the respect and validity that came with age. Now in a flash it seems to have evaporated.

I should wish to go out with a bang. Perform some heroic humanitarian feat. Instead I am lucky to be able to give myself a clean shave. My physical frailty has infected my mind.

I was at a stop sign today and my eyes fell upon a man walking slowly and carefully through a nearby parking lot. His steps were unsure and without a sense of purpose. As I watched him I realized it was me.



  1. Sometimes, when you write things like this, it seems as if this is, in some sense, a humanitarian feat. You give me, unintentionally I think, a smack in the face sometimes. And I need it.

  2. My heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what you are going through but I'm sending you a big hug.

  3. Hey Bob, this one made me cry as i see you, I also see Kel. My heart breaks for you as it breaks for my husband. He just returned from a week trip to CO to visit his brother who wanted to spend time with Kel before departing for a 3 mth work deal in India. It was a good trip, the other brother drove him out. Are you still driving?? Karla

  4. Kristine,
    Sorry about smack. Sometimes I give myself one and tell myself to not be such a wimp, but it only works for a while.

    Thanks...hugs are good. On another note: I've found out that my family has been secretly spreading my blog amongst themselves too. At first I was angry, but then I decided reading my blog was punishment enough. :)

    Yes, I'm still driving, but cars are made for righthanders and I have do some contortions to shift gears and turn the ignition. In the past I'd eat a bannana and have a V8 on the way to work. That's becomming risky.

    Sorry 'bout the tears.

  5. Bob, I think you still have no idea how valuable your introspection and this blog is to the people who read it--to your family and friends of course who gets to feel even more intimately close to you, but also to those who do not know you but who glimspe aspects of themselves through you. We are all getting older, and even that makes us re-evaluate daily how we define our self-worth.

    Your generous sharing of your experience with this dreaded illness is a bold and heroic feat. It is appreciated more than you know and will continue to touch and change people lives. I know it has mine.

  6. I agree with Paula's comments. You say in the beginning of your post, " life was filled with opportunities to lead people..." and then you go on to say, " a flash it seems to have evaoprated."

    Sorry to tell you this Bob, but your statement couldn't be more wrong. Not only are you leading all of us into a world where we do not waste a single precious moment of our lives, but you are leading us emotionally and spiritually with your stories of personal strenth.

    Thank you.

  7. Paula & Theresa,
    I'm humbled that you are gaining some personal insight while reading my rambling. If I had my life to live over again there are very few things I'd change. I think I'd be more aware of being in the moment. More Zen less football. :)


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