There have been so many things I have felt I needed to post about that I have not gotten around to any of them. I feel guilty about that. In fact I feel guilty about a lot of things.Guilt, by definition, requires the act of doing something wrong. "Feeling guilty" is suppose to be a feeling about the commission of a wrong. I feel overwhelmed with guilt for letting people down.
Meeting the expectations of others, or my perceived version of their expectations, has been a driving influence in my life. Whether it was parents, employers, lovers, wife, or children, I worked hard at being who they wanted me to be. I believe we all do that to some extent.
As my physical abilities deteriorate, I find I lack the ability to meet what I think others expect of me. The buddy that wants to play golf, the son that needs help working on his car, hell, even the UPS driver that wants a signature are all instant reminders that I can no longer do what people expect.
My wife cuts my food for me now. It is humiliating.
She cried the other night from the weight of many burdens. I am one of them and I feel guilty about it. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be okay, but they won't.
She is trying so hard to be Superwoman (and doing a great job except for the flying) but she has an impossible task. She can not heal me. I feel guilty about that too.
I ran cross country and track through high school and into my 30's. I loved to run and I was good. I won a LOT of races. What drove me was not that I loved to win, but that I HATED TO LOSE. Winning was not joyful to me, it was a relief from fear of failure. I've carried that my whole life.
Now I face the ultimate failure. The inability to take care of myself.
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Cortico, my best wishes to you man, it has to be so tough. I wish I had some words of encouragement, but I think it's best to tell you that I just hope you make the best of it, and keep blogging so we can give you our support.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and admiration.
ReplyDeleteMr. C,
ReplyDeleteThanks! Ironically I felt guilty for posting such a downer blog. LOL
Ms. Tart,
Hugs are good!
Guilt and expectations...sometimes they really do make thinks harder. I feel for your wife but I imagine she is crying for many reasons...her expectations are being shattered, too, but also because I imagine she would give anything to have this not be happening to you...(Superwoman is like that.)
ReplyDeleteYour courage is amazing and I sense your gratitude and love for your wife. Hugs to both of you.
Above comment, make THINGS harder, not thinks.
ReplyDeleteRead this article from the August 3, 2009 St. Petersburg Times:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.tampabay.com/news/health/research/article1024137.ece
Glucose hypometabolism is a characteristic of CBD too.
Thanks for stopping by my place. It was nice to see you there. I've never been one for knowing what to say in times like this. I come off kinda blunt sometimes. So here goes...I'm sorry for your illness. Life sometimes gets really f**ked up and sucks. However, you appear to have lots of people around you that love you. For this you are a lucky man.
ReplyDeleteI'll be back. Don't feel bad about writing a "downer" blog. Trust me, if people don't want to read this they won't. Those of us who come by to visit, WANT to.
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ReplyDeleteSpell Check!
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend and I rode a tandem the other day. It was his second time ever captaining a tandem. The first time consisted of 12 miles on a paved trail. I have a little experience stoking, but it was only my third time on single track and my first time on single track during the day light. I know. I am not quite right in the head. My MRI's will confirm it.
Any way, we rode Owassipe. It is a tough trail. The night before we were talking on the phone about the very first bridge. He wanted to walk it. I wanted to try it. After some discussion we decided not to cross that bridge until we got to it. We decided that no matter how it was going to happen, we were going to get over those bridges and up those hills together.........even if we had to walk them. And we did. At times he had to rely on my strength when his wasn't enough. It was hard. It was scarey. But we had each other and that alone....made the whole terrifying uncertainty, the pain, the sweat, and the tears(Ssshhh! He doesn't know about those) of the trail worth it.
It was overwhelming. I fully understand in the grand scheme of things it was just a tandem bike ride compared to what you are going through, but you are and forever will be a biker, so you know the language I speak. Bob I just have to say one more thing.... I would be honored, with every fiber of my being to cut that man's steak if he couldn't. That's what a stoker does.
I found your blog through Theresa's . . . sorry to hear of your situation, but keep fighting the good fight. I know it sounds corny, but make every day count. You obviously have good people around you, and an outlet to express your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
Happy Hour,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the cyber hug and the encouragement.
Theresa,
Truly, all things considered, I AM a lucky man. I lived life as if it was going to be short, so I shouldn't feel cheated.
Singletrack,
That was a perfect analogy. My wife was never a cyclist, though I tried to get her motivated for a tandem (another bike related toy for me). In retrospect, it would have been bad timing because my symptoms surfaced about that time. She is still, however, my stoker.
Chris,
You're right on all counts. Thanks!
Bob, dont feel sorry for this post. It's very honest and cathartic to you. It's sometimes hard to comment, words may sound so empty...
ReplyDeletebut I second Theresa: "all those who visit, want to visit".
I send a hug to you and your wife -she may not fly, but she's a sweet Superwoman and your main support.