I don't attend church except for the times I am guaranteed to hear her sing. If and when God speaks to me, he sounds like her.
I had a tinge of dread about going this year. Too many buttons and too many people that know my secret. It may be my imagination but it seems that people that know of my illness look at me as if they are measuring the changes since they last laid eyes on me. It is a very uncomfortable feeling.
As I dressed, my tension built as I neared the moment of truth (the cuff buttons on my left shirt sleeve). I struggled to align the ivory button with the seemingly tiny hole. It was impossible and I decided to quit for a bit to calm my nerves and push away the demons of unwelcome introspection. I decided to tie my tie and return to the button in a bit.
I usually tie a Double Windsor knot and I proceeded to measure the ends as my brightly colored Christmas tie hung about my neck. I flipped the larger tie face around the narrower tail and looped it over and then froze. I began again, this time facing myself in the mirror. Again I flipped and looped and froze. I COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO TIE THE KNOT.
It seemed as if the images of how to perform the task existed in my brain but could not travel to my hands.
After several failed attempts I managed to complete a Half Windsor and quit. I then angrily managed to button my offending cuff.
I went to church and tearfully stood beside my Mother and sang perhaps our final Christmas carols together.
I am concerned about the "tie incident." While I still seem to be able to recall and perform intellectual tasks, I seem to have trouble being creative. It as if there is a fog over my imagination. Even this blog post seems lacking.