Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'm tired of saying goodbye.....

Superwoman and I enjoyed our San Diego trip.....for the most part. She was held back a bit by my limitations and I was intermittently very happy and overwhelmingly melancholy.

I was born in San Diego and spent many very happy years there. I've traveled a bit and still believe it is one of the earth's beautiful cities. Chances are very large that I'll never see it again.

The primary purpose of the trip was to visit my sister and brother and their families but it morphed into me visiting some of my favorite places, evoking emotional upheavals, then trying to contain the waves of sadness knowing I would never lay eyes on them again.

The San Diego Zoo, where no matter how old you are you can always find a sense of wonder and amazement at nature's diversity. In a time gone by I'd walk the miles of trails until the Zoo closed and then sit outside the fences well past dark to listen to the howls and screeches that a typical Zoo visitor never experiences.

The Ocean Beach Pier that extends so far out into the ocean that the sound of the breaking surf is a distant whisper. Years ago I would use fishing as an excuse to escape to that place where salty tears mix easily with ocean spray. There was an understanding among the characters that fished the deep waters that we were all casting more than bait into the vastness. Vietnamese families fishing for food hoped that the place somehow offered security. Mexican men laughing away their burdens as they sipped warm beer from cups as there was no alcohol allowed. We would quietly stare into the water waiting for the tug of some creature. There would be bursts of energy when someone hooked a stray mackerel, attracting the stares of pier-walkers and the short-lived admiration of other fishermen. Then quiet would return, allowing waves of unwelcome introspection. Hours after sunset I would walk the long pier back to the beach. Each step bringing the sound of the breaking surf ever louder and reality ever closer.

There was always a lightening of burdens as if each cast of my line was throwing away unnecessary cares. In truth it was the time spent alone, in the salty air, allowing unbridled introspection. Staring not into the water but into my soul. I became a better man fishing that pier. Never would a visit to the OB Pier not leave me feeling lighter. Until this visit.

Sunset Cliffs has many of the same qualities as the Pier except the waves crash violently and loudly against the eroding sandstone rock. Each visit was different. The surf higher or the tide lower, the wind gently caressing or blowing hard enough to require a lean as I would near the cliff edge. There were no epiphanies in my relationship with Sunset Cliffs, only a profound appreciation for its beauty. That must be why I broke down and sobbed when it was time to leave.
I will never stand precariously at the edge of those crumbling cliffs, hear those sounds, or smell that air again. I'm weary of saying goodbye.


  1. I once kissed goodbye to freedom, to blue skies, and the sound of free birds calling on the wing. I said my goodbyes to those who made the journey to visit my hell. I came close to saying goodbye to the sanity that leaked fae my very mind.

    Instead, I embraced what lay ahead of me, as bleak as it was. I became one with the unknown, the darkness, and I never once thought of again feeling rain upon my cheeks, or the feel of grass beneath my bare feet.

    It was only then that I truly realised that every day spent, must be spent wisely with not a second to spare on sadness.

    Throw away your crutches, and toss aside the holy book. Look into the eyes of those about you, and love them like there really is no tomorrow.

    It works my friend.. it works..

  2. Well CW... Tears reveal your heart! I'm so sorry your tears are sad ones. Maybe if you can focus on your present... not your past... not your future... you'll find things to turn your tears into tears of joy! Just remember... the most precious 'things' in life aren't always 'things' (or places)!

    There's truly only ONE place we should be looking forward to seeing... a place that will put all 'our' places to shame! To never see that place would be a crying shame!

    "LITTLE FAITH will bring you to heaven, but GREAT FAITH will bring heaven to you!"

    Hang in there CW! I have faith in you! You will overcome the "waves of sadness, sobbing, salty tears, and weariness". I have GREAT FAITH... ... ...

  3. Hey Bob, loved the San Diego pics, i have shared your blog now with my brother in law tonight, as we are staying with him in ROchester,MN while we are doing the MAYO clinic thing. I told him he had to start from the beginning and read your blog so he knew what a fine man you are. And i shared with him your sponsorship of me on the bike ride, I am very appreciative and as i ride that day I will be thinking of you with fondness. Kel is going to be particpating in the research program at Mayo for CBD, hopefully to help future generations. Exhausted now and going to bed, tomorrow is more testing , the MRI today was very difficult, stood in the room as close to the head of tube as possible to talk Kel thru it, non stop talking for 45 minutes, as he had a major meltdown, i have never seen him so distraught, broke my heart, but i bit my lip and stayed strong to get him thru it. CBD sucks. karla

  4. Jimmy,
    I once prayed for deliverance on a dark night in Viet Nam. In the prayer I promised I'd never ask for another thing. I've kept that promise.

    Thanks for your prayers.

    The MRI experience can be harrowing. I've had a least five. I'd skip those if I could.
    I don't have many "readers" but if you'll give me permission, I'll post a link to your bike ride.

  5. CorticoWhat: I read with understanding your beautiful description of sites and scenes in San Diego. I can understand your love for this great city, living 85 miles from there myself. More importantly, I "get you" when you talk about the feeling of seeing it one last time. These are hard realities and feelings that don't come easily expressed. You are teaching all of us, although we feel for you as you express your pain. I am in your corner.

  6. Bob , that would be great to have you post the website, thank you for the offer. On another note, we met with Dr BOeve who confers with our Madison neuro that it is CBD, but disagrees re: how to proceed, he wants to proceed aggressively, wants Kel to go on Sinemet now, to make him use his Right hand for 2 months with a mitten over left hand so that forces him to use the "alien" right hand.AND he is so very very excited about two new drugs that are tau busting drugs, one is being tested now in Spain, one is being given to 5 people at USC in calif, and he will be going to toronto next week to meet with 3 big drug companies that will want to clinical trials and he is going to contact us as soon as mayo gets the ok,to give the drugs to the people that are participating in research trials. He explained the whole way tau gets broken out of the microtubules in a neuron, and then clumps. He said he wants Kel to also go on a memory pill like aricept or exelon to help with his short term memory loss. He believes that the old therory of when symptoms appeared and life span was maybe 7 years, he says he sees patients living 20 yrs and don't progress very fast. He really was so optimistic. the MRI doesn't show much change from a year ago, still mainly confined to the parital part of the brain. I think you should ask your neuro about these two new tau busting meds so as soon as they are approved you can get on one. It really was a good experience today at mayo, hope was there, and optimism. Karla

  7. There are several substances that have been identified since late 2007 as possible "tau busters" (in the order I heard about them):

    1) Cinnamon proanthocyanidins
    2) Methylene Blue
    3) Niacinamide
    4) Grape seed extract polyphenols
    5) Davunetide
    6) Nypta

    From the following link you can find links to the research papers and news articles about these six substances:


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