Thursday, May 6, 2010

How Lucky Am I?

A couple of days ago, just as I walked from my car to my backdoor, my Blackberry buzzed indicating an email. I petted the dog, wiped my shoes on the mat and entered the kitchen. Then I checked the email.

It was a notification that someone had posted an "anonymous" comment to one of my blog posts.

It read:

Thank you for your blog. Wish I had found it sooner. My wife has CBD. She is 36yrs old and we have a 4 yr old son. Although she had some symptoms for over 2 yrs she was just diagnosed last june. The disease has been very progressive and she now lies in a hospital bed unable to speak, walk, laugh, smile, or give us a kiss. Cant wait to bring her home but she continues with a fever.
I wish she would have had the strength to speak about her disease the way you are. It really depressed her and she wouldnt talk much about things we needed to discuss. Now i feel i should have pushed harder for her to speak to me about things because now its too late.
So thank you for sharing your experience with everyone and being so strong.

It truly took my breath away. While I am bitter to be struggling with this disease during what should be my professional peak, the timing could have been so much worse. My children are self-sufficient (usually) and I still have time to tie-up my loose ends.

This anonymous comment shook me from a place I should not visit very often. A lonely place where the only thing keeping me alive is a suicide clause on a life insurance policy.


  1. ..what you said is very painful...and I do not know what to say...except that it is brave and selfless to write about your experiences for others as well as yourself...i can only say i understand a part of what you are in 1998 I was diagnosed with a severe case of Aplastic Anemia...only time would tell that I would find myself in remission, as many that were being treated when i was did not make took 5 years and i found myself getting was very rare and the prognosis was very bleak...but here I am 12 years explanation or reason ...the fear in me at the time was debilitating..I dont know if i could have done what you are doing..but it makes a difference for others..and it helps people to hear and share their experiences..I joined a support group back then, and now..I don't know what I would do...all I do know is that each day spent with those you love gives you all a reason for being....

  2. AMEN to what smArtee said... "each day spent with those you love gives you all a reason for being...." We should all learn to use these days WISELY!
    Hang in there CW! You've got 'Superwoman' in your corner... and kids that love you all around the ring. What more could a dying (or LIVING) man want?

  3. I remember sitting in a staff meeting when a psychiatrist with whom I worked spoke of a client and said, "MS is the worst thing that anyone could have." Of course, this shrink was shrunk and didn't know what he was talking about. I remember thinking, "I may have MS, but at least I'm not you."
    It's all perspective, don't you think? We all do what we can do when we can do it and we can't do anything more. I'm glad I found you.

  4. smArtee,
    "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I was 19 when I first read that quote by Solzhenitsyn. Little did I know. Thanks for the encouragement.

    I am trying. Quitting is not an option.

    Yes! Perspective is all powerful. We can only know what we experience and all experience is seen through the colored glass that is made up our past experiences.

  5. You have no idea how many people you inspire.. I can't even imagine anyone reading your blog and not being inspired by it. I have told almost all of my friends about your story/blog and often think of you and your struggles when I am going through a tough day.. Of course you'd rather not have CBGD and inspiring people but fact of the matter is that you do.. it takes a lot of courage to do what you do.. words don't do justice!

    Also, I especially look for your comments on my blog - I really admire your truly unique perspective on things.. so thanks a lot for every single comment of yours. It means a lot to me.

  6. Miss OT,
    Thank you for your encouragement. Sincerely! Your comments give me meaning.


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