Thursday, January 12, 2012

Conflicted or Confused......

It has become difficult to write a blog post. Not that I have trouble thinking of subjects and God knows I have the time. It just always seems I am conflicted about how to begin and what to explore. It seems I am often "conflicted" about what to eat, then how many crackers with my soup. I'm "conflicted" about when to fill the bird feeders and what TV show to record. I am fearful that rather then conflicted, I am simply becoming confused.

I don't feel lost or disoriented and I wouldn't say that I'm befuddled but here's the rub. Can a person determine shades of red while wearing red-lensed glasses? Will I remain able to recognize and measure my own degenerating mental capacities? Maybe that is the punchline to God's cruel joke.

Superwoman (my wife) scrapbooks (the verb). I mean with a capital S! She is so serious about it that I built shelves (before CBGD) to help her store and organize her tools and "embellishments."

Every meaningful photo of every birthday, recital, trip to the zoo or graduation has been pasted into its proper place and fittingly embellished.

Vacations have their very own scrapbooks.

When she told me the subject of her next project, I had to giggle. Then we shared a laugh when she said, "I'll have to hide this one from the kids." Before my readers jump to erroneous conclusions, the scrapbook will contain love letters, notes, and cards I've written to her over the last 25+ years. She saved them all. The little cards that come with flowers (there must be 100), notes left saying I had run to get milk, and even the occasional "I'm sorry, I was wrong" (there's more than one). There are the full-blown-my-life-has-changed-forever notes.

Maybe a "picture is worth a thousand words" but saving a note that says, "I'm at Tim's soccer game. Love, Bob" speaks volumes.

While Superwoman may have trouble verbally expressing her feelings, her actions are plain to read. She loves me and has for a long, long time!



  1. I'm in tears thinking how fortunate you and your wife are. Life is short, but your has indeed been wide.

  2. my dad is in his second year of cbgd. your writing reminds me a lot of who he perceives himself to be, i think, except that he hates putting his thoughts and feelings into words.

    thank you so much for putting your thoughts into writing. it helps me understand a little better what he's going through, and maybe how to reach him through the fog he's currently in.

  3. I don't come via Faystoo much lately, but I don't want to lose you. Please check me out at

  4. Wow..sitting here in New York City smiling after reading this...those are some cherished memories,and in order !!... you think she might be up to organizing the country's budget ?? LOL Small notes are the little things that go big eh ? Thanks for sharing, I think of you as I'm driving sometimes, and toot my horn in the hopes that it finds you...Peace from the NYC ~ Edward

  5. My mom passed away from CBGD (or complications of it) on 9/1/10. From the info I could find, it is not genetic. But....I'm experiencing some of the symptoms she had. The unruly gait in the leg; shaking, memory issues. I'm having an MRI next week. My doc didn't think this was the issue - I'm too young. I'll be 55 in a month. It is a detestable disease and your insight has proved to be so informative and insightful. Since your posts have diminished, I'm thinking your mental and physical issues have become more pronounced. As with mom, and all the "victims" and their families, you are in my prayers for peace and relief. I believe in Jesus Christ, even as He allows these tragedies to happen. It's all for a reason we can't fathom or understand. God's blessings to you, always.


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