Saturday, February 14, 2009

Insidious digression....

When I was first diagnosed with CBGD I was fervently proactive in preparing for my impending death. I rushed around organizing finances, informing family, and washing windows. Then as the days passed I became complacent. My symptoms, day to day, did not seem measurably worse. I continued to read literature on the disease and some days put the book aside because reading about the progression of the disease was worse than having it.

But now, four months after my diagnosis, I understand. It's like the tiny ivy vine wrapped around the sapling. It slowly tightens its grip even as the oak strains to grow.

While my symptoms are not noticeably worse than they were yesterday, they are profoundly worse than they were four months ago. I don't need a haircut today but I will in three weeks. I don't have troubling swallowing food now....but I will.

The newest symptom, if it is a symptom, is vision related. I have enjoyed 20/20 vision my whole life though reading glasses became necessary in my 50s. Recently after reading for a few minutes, then walking outside, I experience some double vision. My right eye seems to be slow to adjust to the change in focal range. It temporarily affects my depth of field. Not good!

The bottom line: I must recapture the sense of urgency I once had.

The Good News:
We have booked our trip to Cozumel. My sister and her husband are meeting us there to assist me in making one last series of scuba dives. I love diving and I know that the last one will be emotional. I have had emotional dives before, when I have drifted around a coral head and been overwhelmed with the beauty of swarming schools of fish. But this will be different. Knowing I'll never experience the weightless serenity again.

The bright side is that I was lucky enough to have experienced it at all.

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