A few months ago I wrote about grief and how it pertained to my condition. At the time I had not reached the level where I could express or even feel anger about my illness. I'm afraid that is changing.
In my frustration of not being able to do things that were simple tasks six months ago I feel increasingly bitter. I've ALWAYS been a person that internalized emotions. From experience, I know this is not a train without stops. Sooner or later something has to give.
Anger can only be directed inward for a short time before it starts looking for outlets. It usually reaches out to those closest to you. My dog will forgive me faster than my wife, so Lucky may have a rough go of it. :)
Seriously, despite my efforts to think positively, sometimes it becomes too much. Basic psychology teaches that how we define our biological condition controls how we react to situations. Our body responds similarly to extreme joy that it does to intense anger. Our reactions to the biologic conditions define us. I fear that my end days will define me as a bitter, angry man. How can I short circuit the process? How can I skip over anger and jump to resignation and peace?
I have not found the answers, but I'm searching for them. In the meantime.......I'm pissed!