It has been a tough week.
I was a Psych major in college and I tend to see things through those psych-colored glasses. I've been feeling kind of bummed out for weeks and talked to my doctor about it. I feared that I was slipping into depression. After some self analysis, I believe I'm going through a normal grieving pattern. More specifically "Anticipatory Grief."
Anticipatory grief is, "grief that begins before (in anticipation of) the loss, such as the initiation of divorce proceedings or when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness." Only this time the loved one is ME and I'm not just mourning the loss of life but the loss of quality of life.
Grief and mourning is supposed to be healthy and normal. Humans survive the grieving process though there is almost no way to do so without completing all the steps. Denial (been there), Anger (can't seem to find this one yet), Despair (can't shake this one), and finally Acceptance of the loss. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around how to get to accepting the loss. It makes no sense!
I have tried to keep this blog upbeat but honest. Today it was hard to be both.....Sorry!
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I'll take your honesty, as brutal as it may be, over any sense of false "upbeat"-ness. Keep going man. Press on... Sounds to me that your feelings are totally rational and understandable.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the honest expression of what is going on with you. I, now more than ever need to keep things real as well. Maybe sometimes being an inspiration means letting people down.
ReplyDeleteHave you read the Corticobasal Degeneration section of the WeMove.org discussion forum?
ReplyDeleteNever Giveup....Yes, I have visited WeMove.org.
ReplyDeleteSingletrack mind..... I read (present tense) your blog and I feel a kinship. It is difficult to follow the advice of others to live in the moment when the moment is gone before you can say the word. We (you & I) must live for the accomplishments of short term goals. We must be diligent to never run out of goals and in the end we will have a body of good and noble works.
PS - What size bike shoe do you wear? :)
I have been trying to respond to your comment for days but something has been up with blogspot, Anyway I am a girl with unfortunate feet. They are big. This only adds to my gracefulness when my balance is off. It's a beautiful thing to see. I wear a 41.
ReplyDeleteShort term goal for the day: Try not to trip over "self." :)
A psychologist told me that grief is not linear but rather it is cyclical. We go through the stages of loss, anger, acceptance, hope and then circle back to loss and anger again. I share this because for me it has been three and a half years and I can honestly say, though the disease continues to progressively get worse, there is a very gradual improvement in the process of accepting and growing through the situation.
ReplyDeleteI do understand my friend and I am glad you are able to so eloquently express these feelings. It is good for you, and all of the rest of us that are in your corner. However, I am very sorry for the loss and pain you are enduring, which is so real. Take care, Dan